the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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