Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
