I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you had me at cake vodka
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
