All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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