someone get that fucking seahorse.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
