I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you traded sex for a burrito?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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