My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i think i just lost a toe
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
