my mouth tastes like poor choices
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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