So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
