im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
