I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I stole a fireplace last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
