so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you win again, gameday.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
