You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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