i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
