The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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