is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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