On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
