Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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