ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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