My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
