so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Who died my cat blue again?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
