apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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