just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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