Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
