I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
