A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
