Kiss
Puke
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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