Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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