Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
