she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
