tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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