I'm really into asian looking animals
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
