Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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