I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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