All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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