I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just forgot I was standing up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
