I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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