Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
