If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
