I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
