WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize