I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Randomize
