sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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