Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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