don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
