check it out our google latitudes are spooning
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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