i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
