Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
