So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
