overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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