hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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