whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
