i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
