He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
