I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
