god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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