I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
