my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
