We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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