I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
