I wish I only lived at night.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
how does that bad decision feel?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
