she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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