Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
