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I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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